Today, I’ve cried 5 times. 7 if you count the two “almost cry” moments. Today, I weigh the lowest I’ve weighed in 2 years; 349.2 lbs. I’ve officially lost 17.2 lbs and 10 overall body inches. This is amazing right? Absolutely.
So, why am I crying then?
Because, with every pound I lose, my world becomes a little bit clearer. With every non-scale victory, I see things different. With every day that I get a little more done on my to-do lists and see my life coming back together with my new found energy and drive, I am seeing what my previous life looked like.
I’m not crying about the sweaty, breathless walks upstairs, nor the secret eating or body pains of the past. I’m crying about the life I wasn’t living. I’m ashamed of the person I was to others including my husband and child. I look back and I see an overweight mother who napped constantly, turned down opportunities, veered as far from responsibilities as possible and told herself she was just a “homebody”.
I’m crying about the moments I led my son down the wrong path with lifestyle habits and was anything but a leader for him. I’m crying about the moments where I promised others so much, knowing damned well I wasn’t going to be able to meet those promises.
Now, before you think, “Oh girl, no. You’re doing amazing. Don’t get down on yourself.” I need to make one thing clear.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself.
I am, with every tear, releasing the guilt, shame, anger, sadness and disappointment from these realizations. I am shedding the emotional baggage that I never “saw”. I was living life with blinders on to what I could really be. WHO I could really be. And let me tell you, that woman is not 367lbs and out of breath. That woman is full of life, joy and pride. That woman is watching her son catch onto her newly formed habits. That woman is watching her husband exercise everyday and eat better every single day right along side her. That woman is seeing herself in a different light. That woman is me.
I have battled Depression and Anxiety all my life. I am medicated daily for it. Even on my meds before my Rejuv journey, I still struggled to get out of bed. Now? If I can’t get out of bed, it’s because my body literally needs the rest. Now, when I eat, it’s because I truly WANT to eat.
I am literally throwing out all the feelings, negative thoughts and guilt like an episode of hoarders. This isn’t my first day of emotional meltdowns, nor will it be my last, oh no. As my life and health are stepping back in line, I will continue to have days where I stumble across a closet of emotional baggage that I wasn’t aware of before. And as much as I know it confuses the heck out of my husband, he still just hugs me tight and doesn’t question when I drive across town just to get a kiss from him on a bad day. He sees my journey and respects the hell out of it.
Me? I am living this journey one day at a time with one hell of a team at home and at Rejuv. I don’t know what I would do without these amazing people that are just as excited about my successes as I am. They truly listen to my thoughts, concerns, worries and help me through. There hasn’t been a day I’ve walked into Rejuv and didn’t get kind, encouraging words from staff and random clients. You never have to make this journey alone. I promise you, it’s so much better together.
Now, I’m going to get up, log off this computer and go to the final night of Summertime By George with the Fabulous Armadillos on stage with my family. I haven’t ventured out to this in more than 2 years. Tonight, you can bet your ass I’ll be singing along loud and proud to be there.
To start YOUR journey and re-write your future, it just takes one call or click! Reach out to Jason Stover at Rejuv Medical today (320) 217-8480 email JasonS@RejuvMedical.com or click here
Brook Stephens 